Do I Want To Be A Working Mom?
I've had rare bouts of mild insomnia since I was a kid. I don't remember ever being a good sleeper until I was pregnant and reaching levels of exhaustion I've never experienced before. Last night I was awake from about 10:30PM to 1:30AM. Granted I had slept a couple of hours already due to a killer headache. My head still kind of throbbed and my body was unusually achy. My throat felt thick and I couldn't decide if I was too hot or too cold. I couldn't get comfortable, and then I found myself thinking about things that were causing me worry and stress.
For one thing, I was complaining to Brandon last night about Desmond crying into and out of every nap. Not only that, but he's only content after he's fed -- which seems normal enough. However he's made it a habit to snooze on the boob, forcing me to sit uncomfortably for often over an hour(thank goodness for Instagram and Audible). It's not that bad until I remember how much these little snoozes throw off his sleep for both naps and nighttime. Brandon suggested pumping and bottle-feeding. Great idea! He's been waking up at 5:30AM these days so I set my alarm to 5AM to make coffee, eat a bagel, and pump. So when I still wasn't asleep by 1AM...I worried about not getting enough sleep, which stressed me out even more. How counterproductive.
Once in a while he reminds me why I let him snooze on me:
Another stress inducer has been an ongoing internal debate about going back to work. When do I go back? Should I go back? Can I wait until Desmond starts school? Would if we want a second child? Can I even get a job that's financially worth putting Desmond into daycare?
The list of questions goes on and on. Brandon and I have discussed these things, and fortunately I don't need the answers right away. He has reiterated that he would never pressure me to pursue work -- we're both happy that I'm able to care for Desmond. I'm not necessarily against daycare. I just know that I can provide the best for him during this incredible stage of development
These questions also make me doubt my self-worth. They make me think back to my own development through high school, college, and post-college. I'm 4 years out from graduating with a degree and still haven't started a career. I'm still young and truly believe there is time, but I'm not at all close to where I thought I'd be, other than being a mother -- I always wanted to be a young mom.
As we approach 2019, I am already getting anxious about achieving my goals. Desmond is my top priority, and doing the best for him includes getting my shit together. Yes, I absolutely want to stay home with him. But I also keep getting this nagging feeling that I should be putting my education to good use and making some financial contribution to the household. Oh, 2019...we shall see.
P.S. I thought I'd be way done with sleep deprivation by now...I was very wrong. Mood:
To anyone who reads this: if you have any opinions or advice, please feel free to write a message or comment below :)